a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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