I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i want to swaddle you in tequila
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
