normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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