Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
