Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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