i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
