I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
