Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
