I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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