You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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