i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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