So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
