Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
