You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
there is glitter all over my balls
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