You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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