1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
