he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
