At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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