He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
The air was thick with penises
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
