so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
