you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
