Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
