Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
