Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I have post one night stand depression
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
