I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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