I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I wish they made helmets for livers.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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