We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
