she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
