remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
