I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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