I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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