God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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