Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
