Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
