Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i think i just naturally attract stoners
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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