he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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