why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize