my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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