I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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