I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
