Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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