Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
