worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
