They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
