I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
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We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
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Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
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