I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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