Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
