I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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