Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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