Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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