I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
