Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
