Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
