there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
