I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
