i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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