SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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