Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
