So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He better not be in your backpack
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
