I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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